Les motivations de nos relations interpersonnelles avec les autres sont complexes. Tellement complexes que c'est un sujet rarement abordé. Dave Pollard, en osant le faire ouvertement, touche quelques cordes sensibles...
« I have often said that we love who we imagine others to be, and not who they really are, because, after all, we can never really know who other people are (my recently-divorced friends in particular tell me this). So it is possible that I am subconsciously exaggerating (or even inventing) the qualities of people who I find lovable, and under-estimating those qualities in people I do not, and imagining wilder creatures to be more complex, present and graceful than they really are. I suspect I am not alone in this, and that while other people's "top 5 desired qualities" lists -- exceptional intelligence, great emotional strength (and self-knowledge), deep emotional sensitivity (and perceptiveness), articulateness (extraordinary ability to communicate or self-express orally, in writing, or non-verbally through art or some other medium), and great imagination (or creativity) -- undoubtedly vary (great bod, good sense of humour, attentiveness, generosity, appreciation and good personal hygiene would probably be on many), most people probably imagine the objects of their affection to be other, and more, than who they really are. How else can we explain the desire of so many women to "improve" their men (make them more who they imagined them to be before they got to know them better), and the propensity of so many men to avoid any meaningful conversation with their partners that might shatter their illusions?
« The lessons for me, I think, are obvious. I need to be more open to the qualities of every human I meet, less judgemental (though I am getting better at this, except when my usually-accurate instincts get in the way), more attentive, and less carried away by my imagination. If I were to do this, I might find almost everyone lovable, and that would certainly make me more appreciative, more positive, more optimistic, better company (for most), and more present. I might possibly learn to be humble, or even graceful. »